Monday, January 2, 2012

The Incredible (Yet Strangely Believable) Tale of Peter Paul & The Monte Carlos... A Love Story

Found in a Non-Disclosed Daily Newspaper On Cape Cod:

Man Arrested For Vehicular Indecency In Barnstable

BARNSTABLE – A Barnstable man is being held without bail for allegedly committing "Vehicular Indecency" against a 2005 Chevrolet Monte Carlo. The vehicle was taken to a local repair shop to be examined and treated for damage. At approximately 2:30 am, several residents in a small development called local police, reporting that a man was seen at the side of a vehicle, bent over and could be heard moaning. Police arrived on the scene to find 29 year-old Peter Paul standing up against the gas inlet, with his pants pulled down, gently slapping the trunk and saying "whose tank is this?" Mr. Paul maybe charged with Statutory Vehicular Indecency as the age of consent for a vehicle is 3 years old. Police officials were not available for comment.

Paul and Monte Carlo Have History, Reports Law Enforcement
BARNSTABLE – As reported earlier, 29 year-old Barnstable resident, Peter Paul was arrested for Vehicular Indecency, after being caught in the act of sexually assaulting a 2005 Chevrolet Monte Carlo. It has since been determined that Mr. Paul and the car have a history together. Paul apparently purchased the vehicle in 2004 and lost it to repossession in mid 2006 after missing several months of payments. The car's present owner, Tommy Rindle, purchased the Chevy in early in 2007 and Mr. Paul tracked it to their home. Mr. Paul, a roofer, will not be charged with Statutory Vehicular Indecency as the car was purchased by him in 2004, technically making it of consenting age. Mr. Paul faces up to three years in prison. Meanwhile, Mr. Rindle is seeking a restraining order against Mr. Paul.

Paul Out On Bail NMCLA Comes To His Defense

BARNSTABLE – Alleged vehicular rapist, Peter Paul was released on $10,000 bail this morning. The controversial organization NMCLA (National Man-Car Love Association) came to Paul's defense, claiming that not having bail set was a violation of his civil rights, pointing out that even people repeatedly arrested for car theft have bails set in the low thousands. They also pointed out that if detained, the county would have to place Paul in protective custody if they held him, as it is well known what happens to autophiles behind bars. It was also pointed out that Paul is a low flight risk, as he has never been able to drive a car for longer then twenty minutes without having to stop and rest for three hours. Neither Paul nor his NMCLA attorneys were available for comment.

Early Morning Raid on Paul's Home Brings Interesting Revelations

BARNSTABLE – At approximately 6:00 am, law enforcement officials raided the home of accused autosexual Peter Paul, armed with a search warrant. The search revealed thousands of car magazines, and photos of cars hanging all over the house, including niche magazines featuring cars, trucks and motorcycles in suggestive poses, sprawled over models in bikinis. However, after officials confiscated Paul's computer, they found thousands of downloaded pictures of go-carts and mopeds on his hard drive. "It's worse then we thought" said one officer, "apparently Paul is not only a autosexual he's also a mopedaphile." NMCLA attorneys are working to suppress the evidence on the computer as it was not part of the warrants purview. Paul was not available for comment.

He Seemed Like Such A Normal Guy, Says Neighbor of Paul

BARNSTABLE – It has been quite a week for Peter Paul, a 29 year-old roofer, accused of having an autosexual relationship with a Chevy. The quiet life that he led has changed completely. His neighbors all avoid him and try to hide their cars when they see him coming. He is not allowed within 500 feet of any Chevrolet car dealership, and he comes home to find toy cars pinned to his front door each day. "He seems like such a normal guy." Said one of Paul's neighbors, "rather quite, kind of kept to himself. He used to like to wash his car behind the house." One neighbor bristled with horror at a memory of the number of time he loaned his car to Paul to run errands. Each time, Paul brought the car back washed and vacuumed. "Probably hiding the evidence." quipped another neighbor. There was a collective shudder as they recalled the time that Paul took a bus load of neighborhood kids to the go-kart track. "Who would have thought?" mused one woman. A warranted raid on Paul's house, two days ago, revealed that Paul was a collector of niche car magazines and internet based photos of go-carts. He has not been formally charged with the new findings.

2 comments:

Segarra Notes said...

Sex crimes are down 40% since the introduction of Internet porn. The Internet has down what the gov't, church and society has tried to stop for thousands of years.
Some of my best friends are caucazoids but has anyone tried to study these people's behaviors in reference to the auto sexual propensity of this community. Everyday these people leave their families for a car or boat or the common one here in upstate NY is a truck, extended cab. They like the abnormally large cab on their vehicules

Ms. Jackson said...

Sex crimes down??? Not sure re your data source but I dont agree. And keep in mind, a significant percentage of sex crimes are NOT even reported for a number of reasons. (Revictimization/traumatization by the authorities, hospital staff, court procedures, etc)...Sex/Human Traffiking is on the rise, globally, nationally and locally!...yeahhh, I digress....The Tale (pun intended) of Peter Paul is a trip! LOL!