HUMOR: How to Enjoy A Water Park... Often At The Expense of Others

It's summer time and the living is easy! Time to hit the beach and at least once during the season, take in a water park. Water parks were introduced in the late 1970's with the opening of Wet and Wild in Orlando, Florida by the same folks who introduced Sea World. Today the USA has the most waterparks of any nation in the world, with thousands throughout the country. An alternative to standard amusement parks, Water Parks can be a fun and economical day trip for families and summer camps alike. However, for the Water Park attendee with a propensity for observing their surroundings, Water Parks can be a ton of laughs, thrills and chills beyond the 5 story drop of the giant water-slide, if you pay attention to some basic principles of behavior.

For example:

1) People who rent inner tubes as opposed to using the ones that are provided on the rides that require them are the folks most likely to act like assholes on the rides. There is nothing funnier that watching somebody injure themselves in the act of being a jerk. To the kid who threw his tube in the pool, attempted to jump in the middle, missed and hit his groin on the edge of the pool, I say, "You did the world a favor by ending your chances at reproducing." To the moron who went down the canal ride backward, against all posted warnings, flipped over and lost your shorts, all to impress the girls you were with, I say "I bet they're really impressed to see that you're hung like a Ken doll." Remember 'accidental' holes in a rental inner-tube at the top of a water slide can often result in a spectacular finish at the bottom.

2) People who rent Cabanas are to be viewed with the same pity as the folks who pay $40 when they
go to the club, so that they can sit behind a rope and drink J Roget. You are obviously compensating for the many nights that you ate Rice Crispies, and Soy Sauce sandwiches for dinner. It's a frickin' water park, not a country club. What, you're too good to sit with the rest of us after floating in the same chlorine and urine we did?

3) The staff at water parks are generally comprised of high school and college students who are simply trying to make some money for the summer. They should be treated with respect... unless of course they have allowed the whistle, sun glasses and authority to go to their heads. In that case, the should be showered with torment and abuse by every kid in the park, especially those under 48". To the wave pool guard who was so liberal with blowing your whistle, I hope you found your trunks and whistle... at least they left you your sun-glasses...

4) A tip to my fellow amply proportioned men. The T-shirt does nothing for your man boobs (or as my friend Lisa's son calls them, moobs) but turn this park into a giant, ghastly wet T-shirt competition. I get it, they were a source of ridicule and torture when you were in middle school and high school, especially when your gym teacher made you divide up into teams and always had you on the "skins" team. Even girls made comments. Guess what: half the guys who teased you about them then, have them now; the girls who made comments were probably stacked like raisinettes; and the rest secretly find them a turn on.  Join Rick Ross and the late Notorious B.I.G. and let 'em air out.

5) If you like being groped by women in the 35+ bracket, hang out in the wave pool. It never fails, no matter where you are in the pool or where you entered, a bunch of them are going to end up floating into you and subtly coping a feel while they do. When you see them later with their families, remember to smile and introduce yourself, "Seeing that you had your hand on my groin, without being properly introduced..."

6) Children who insist on going on the big water slide then are gripped with fear when it's their turn should be forced to go. It's the first step in concurring fears and will set a positive precedent for how they deal with life's challenges as they grow up. Besides, the rushing water and chlorine wil clense the slide after they soiled themselves on the way down. Not to mention that their screams of absolute terror on the way down will help shorten the line.

7) As I mentioned, the water park attractions are full of chlorine and lazy people who don't feel like leaving the attractions to pee; hence the chlorine levels are off the hook. Word to the wise men out there: If you are reasonably endowed it's a wise idea to trim the mesh out of your swimsuit. Otherwise, you run the risk of chaffing and will need to walk around with your penis slathered in ointment and wrapped in hand towel for a few days. (Don't ask, just take the advice...)

8) At the lockers, people occasionally leave their keys behind and sometimes with their belonging in the lockers. Remember to do the ethical thing: lock up the locker and turn the key in to the rental office, retrieving their key return deposit as a reward for your good deed.

Now that you're ready. Go on out there and enjoy yourself... but beware...